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It’s been seven days since the last post. God has not been idle.

A situation that was all but sealed in stone from a human perspective has been given an opportunity. What I and we do in response to this gift holds the key to where this journey leads.

I started counseling Monday and Mary came with me. I won’t go into details, but, just re-read that sentence. We *both* went. There is now “try” where there was “over”.

Yesterday was the date of our 18th wedding anniversary. Mary & I spent much of the day together (work has been more gracious that words can convey). She is truly a wondrous creation in Christ. Make no mistake, this is a journey we have ahead. (When I prayerfully consider what to blog on this, I receive the distinct impression that this is about as “open source” as I should be on this subject for a while). Just know that God is abundantly good and is most certainly working.

As far as the rest of the family goes, you’ve missed a birthday for Jarrod, a dance performance for Tori and a grooming for Pippin (and something from yesterday which I need to get pictures of before disclosing). I promise to get some things posted this weekend. Time has not been an ally this week and my finger therapy and skitzoid MacBook Pro (it has an electrical short somewhere) have also not contributed positively to the situation.

Please continue to keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers and that God would continue to use His Holy Spirit to heal all of us.

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I had planned on actually, you know, not focusing on current events tonight. My feet hurt from an ill-conceived walk. My tiny bits of personal finger therapy throughout the day take their emotional toll. And, hey, let’s face it…I’m tired. God’s answer to that was a resounding “rely on Me” tonight.

Jarrod is sick with a throat/stomach thing (and I believe I feel the stomach part coming on…joy) so we took it easy with “our time” tonight and just focused on the things we’ve been looking at the past couple of days (no details…it’s a father-child thing).

Tori helped get Ian ready for bed (*again*…her help is appreciated given our continued physical afflictions) and she, Jarrod & I hung out in Jarrod & Ian’s room until bedtime.

Tori was/is tired. This situation is not easy for her. Going back to the first paragraph, remember that I was going to take it easy on her as well tonight but God would have none of it and gave us the most amazing “our time” together (at least from my perspective). I am grateful beyond conveyance. Again, no details, but real and vitally necessary things were discussed. God really spoke to me through it as well. He truly makes all things happen for a reason. Know that His Will truly is working in ways I could not imagine through this situation. He gave me signs and wonders tonight. I thank Him and praise His Holy Name as I lift my children and Mary up to Him in prayer.

Technorati Tags: 2008 bob 2.0 open source christianity Array

If any readers (there are a few at least) have noticed a musical inclination towards Caedmon’s Call you are not wrong. Mary got me hooked on them and - even in my dark, dark times - I never stopped accumulating their wonderful, inspired works. Their music is a great comfort to me these days, especially since they have a sound basis in reformed theology and base a great number of songs on scripture. (Yeah, the heady words are coming back, too. Just wait, I’ve been hankering for a chance to use the word eschatological in the near future:-)

I was with Ian tonight doing an errand and getting - of course - Jamba Juice. We were playing random music from my iPhone (which is almost exclusively Caedmon’s Call & Bebo Norman at the moment, but there are others).

“Oh Lord Your Love” kicked in:

Oh Lord, I give you all I have,
but it seems so little
when You have given me so much.
I come to you with empty hands
and a heart that’s fragile.
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord, Your love
is new with every morning.
Your faithfulness:
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that I am weary.
Your yoke is easy.
Your burden is light.

And, now, I sing You songs of praise,
but Your Greatness is beyond me.
I know I can not comprehend
how You, Ancient of Days
stoop Yourself to call me
to be Your son,
to be Your friend

Oh Lord, Your love
is new with every morning.
Your faithfulness:
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that I am weary.
Your yoke is easy.
Your burden is ligh.t

Despite the fact-checked assurance of truth in Matthew 11:30, my heart & voice were singing (while crying):

Your yoke is easy. (kinda)
Your burden is light. (kinda)

My heart still cannot conceive living without her, and if that truly is the outcome, the fact is God will have some even harder lessons to teach me in order to get me to a place where I can remove the “kinda”.

Cognitively, I know the God-breathed words are true. Feelings, however, are another matter altogether. As I am increasingly becoming a non-fan of such character-building exercises (they hurt! :-), I’m praying about it.

Technorati Tags: 2008 bob 2.0 open source christianity Array

My heart is heavy. Even after an uplifting quiet time and a good, first Men’s Prayer meeting at MHC (I thank God again for leading me there) this morning and a 1:1 with my boss that communicated both understanding of the situation, assurance of assistance but knowledge that life goes on, my heart sank to new depths.

Mary & I were connected. You cannot know what that means if you haven’t experienced it. My heart is now heavy either because it is feeling that loss and needs it or it senses that the walls have closed even further. It could just be an emotional reaction to the situation. Whatever it is, my heart is heavy laden and it will take some time with my Maker today to relieve. I did not expect this journey to be easy. The work that needs to be done in me (and in “us”) could not be accomplished if so.

We are being counseled by one of the kids’ counselors to begin doing things separately with them. This hurts beyond measure (compounding other hurts that are beyond measure). However, it is also nigh unbearable for me when doing “family” things all together, as it is far too easy for me to slip into a false impression that Mary is still my wife. In her mind and fearful heart I am not. There is no “good” situation/option here, only the best of “bad”. The agency is not a Christian one, but the counselor is right. The children must not be confused or given false, human hope.

If there truly is a humanly insurmountable impasse, then this is the right thing to do.

My mind races at times. It frets over not being able to be in her presence to show her how God has changed me and now more opportunities will be removed! How conceited of me that I, the black monster of her nightmares could do anything! The truth is that God doesn’t need me assist Him in whatever way He plans on working in His wonderful creation (Mary).

It hasn’t been that long (though 10 years is a while) that the Word of the Lord does not come back to me when needed. I may require a refresher on references, but I have 10 years of technological advancements to help me with that. Proverbs 3:5-7a says:

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes;”

Rather than let my heart pine for she whom I love so dearly, I will let the Lord fill me up with His joy, peace, happiness and contentment and trust in Him for the outcome, no matter what that is. I will demonstrate His love and kindness at every opportunity given. I will wait on the Lord and for her to return, but my heart need not be troubled. He will provide either way. (I will still ache)

I do love her, but I am a child of God and He will sustain me. He loves me and I love Him again. My compass is re-centered (GPS is re-calibrated?) on Him.

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Tried to do some Objective-C coding in Xcode. Can’t get my mind of the music I’ve got crankin’ in iTunes.

Thy Mercy by Caedmon’s Call

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit’s revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I’ve found.

(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

Well, Hallelujah
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Well, Hallelujah

Technorati Tags: 2008 bob 2.0 open source christianity Array

Hrumph. I don’t have a “health” category. Need to do that.

Well, I guess I actually could put my finger on it now that the pins are out and the cyborg attachment is in pieces (ready for Jarrod to build an army of cyborg robots with).

Alas, no video. Malpractice concerns and all that.

Taking the contraption off…hurt. The last pin came out by twisting and twisting and twisting and twisting. Oh yeah, and pulling.

What hurt worse was the “Hey, you need to go to therapy soon” followed by the immediate curling of the hand into an attempted fist. I came within millimeters of blacking out. This is why men can’t have babies. Ouch. I then get the news that the estimation is now 80% functionality back in that finger. We’ll see about that. :-)

Mary showed me a great deal of kindness and compassion at the doctor’s office today and afterwards. I am more grateful than humans will ever know. I thank God for her. As you can read historically, she is an amazing woman with a gentle and compassionate soul.

I picked up a thinline NASB today. All e-Bibles are kind of annoying (nothing beats The Online Bible on a Mac Plus/SE) and I grow weary of licensing issues.

I hit the MHC 0630 Men’s Prayer for the first time tomorrow. The rest of my day will be difficult. Very difficult. Meetings and explanations for this week. I also have to schedule physical therapy (which is going to seriously hurt for quite a while) and I have more car stuff to deal with as well. All that with the aftermath of the repercussions of my words and actions to deal with. I’ve got lots of Help, tho.

I also start professional counseling Monday and am getting hooked up at MHC. Looking forward to Sunday again both for church and also to celebrate Jarrod’s birthday (he turns 8 on the 31^st). Red Robin and Robin Hood lanes (he’s a mean bowler). Alas, I can’t bowl for quite a while. But he and his friends will have fun. I’ll be sure to post video and pix.

My heart is still. My mind is calm. I give thanks to God.

Technorati Tags: 2008 Friends & Family Array

I wish I had found this Desiring God blog a while ago. Great entry:

Despite eight years of new life in Christ, my poor, guilty soul still becomes overwhelmingly anxious at times. A dark cloud comes and just sits over my head, not letting any hope from God’s promises or past faithfulness get through and restore my joy.

And it’s my fault. It’s unbelief and sin.

God never intended for me to find my abiding joy in the circumstances of this life—”in this world you will have trouble”—but to hope in him and his salvation (Habakkuk 3:17-19; 1 Peter 1:13).

Nonetheless, I still let outward things determine my inward state, with the result that I have fickle joy, not Paul-like joy—the kind that would lead me to say,

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. (Phillipians 4:12)

So when this unhappy lack of sturdy joy leads me to pray (which it always does, and I thank God!), I don’t want to pray primarily for my circumstances to change. I want to pray first for my unbelieving heart to change.

And then I take more comfort in the Father than ever before:

Return, O faithless sons; I will heal your faithlessness. (Jeremiah 3:22)

Technorati Tags: 2008 bob 2.0 open source christianity Array

While I have been and will be continuing my prayers to God for the restoration of our family and that His Will be done (this does not go against my promise or actions yesterday), the real battle appears to have begun today. I am assaulted when I am humanly defenseless. The enemy knows my weaknesses well, he’s had a great deal of practice and success. The one area God spared me from assault for over a week is now fair game. Sleep is now a battleground.

Psalm 25 continues to be my refuge. Verses 15-21 helped me greatly today:

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in You. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in You.

I have been waiting for this particular attack. Recently, it was an especially active and wonderful area of our relationship. Now it is a battleground. I did not expect the first salvo to come as I tried to rest. The enemy lost. God is good. Lord, keep me strong in You. I like the NASB translation of “my hope is in You” - “for I wait for You”. I am waiting on the Lord to do great things with this mess I’ve made.

Please pray for the safety & protection of our children, for Mary and for myself.

May God’s Will be done in each of our lives. He has a plan. He will make a way.

Technorati Tags: 2008 bob 2.0 open source christianity Array

I just do not have the energy or mental capacity to e-mail or contact everyone I need to about this. I sincerely apologize for that.

I released Mary from the big, black monster (me) today. She asked me to stop the pursuit. I promised to no longer pray that way. I will pray every day that God richly bless her, provide for all her needs and give her the joy, peace, happiness and love in Christ that she so richly deserves. She is an amazing woman with a gentle and compassionate soul.

I am sad. My heart is broken.

While it won’t be legally done until the financial situation works out the way it needs to, it really is over. Today. May 27, 2008.

Thank your for your prayers and support.

I ask that if you have the capacity to pray a bit more for us, that you pray that God’s Will be done in each of our lives.

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