Again, don’t expect daily posts. They come as I am led to share them. The man you’ve seen is not the man you thought you knew. Don’t make the same mistakes I have.
Ten years ago I received the news that I had Stage 2B Hodgkin’s Disease. I was devastated. We had just moved to Virginia for me to pursue a dream of working at a Christian Internet startup. We were struggling financially and dealing with the stresses of moving away from everything for the first time. Rather than ask God to help me through it, I blamed Him for it. I had already begun the process of shutting Him out the day we learned of the death of Harvey Copperwheat (just a few months earlier). Harvey was our pastor and a dear, dear friend. His whole being exemplified what it means to be a Christian. You were lifted up just being in his presence since God’s light shone through him like the brightest star. God took him home suddenly and unexpectedly. I absorbed the pain of it like a sponge. I was angry at God for taking him and absorbed that anger as well.
As the chemotherapy cocktail of poisons flowed through my veins, so did the poison of resentment and anger toward God. It absorbed into the sponge. While the chemicals were finally gone in a few years post-treatment, the bitterness remained. It was during “treatment” that I decided that “I” could beat the cancer. That decision, combined with those poisons, effectively killed the man I was before. I was in the valley, but dug a hole, jumped in and covered it up rather than turn to God to find my way out.
Over the course of the next 9 years, I managed to push almost everyone away, trying to rely only on myself since I was disappointed by people so many times. I lashed out verbally and physically at the loves of my life: my wife and children. I continued to rely on self and became more bitter as setbacks continued to happen and life didn’t go the way I wanted.
My wife (and others, but this is about “us”) persevered in prayer and suffering for me. She pleaded with God to restore the man she knew. On two separate occasions (will be different posts) I moved dirt in the hole aside to let some light in, but never fully gave myself back to God. I have been effectively building a wall around my wife’s heart and destroying her spirit for ten years.
I am ashamed of the person I was. I regret my foolishness of relying on my own strength. I am an utter failure as a human being, friend, husband, father and Christian. “I am sorry” are three words which have no meaning for I have broken the spirit of at least two of the people I care about most. I cannot repair the damage I have done. Unless God works a miracle, our family will be fully broken apart. I will be alone and I will have lost the opportunity to do what I should have been doing for the past ten years: honor and cherish - for the rest of our lives - the prize jewel that God gave to me 18 years ago.
I want her to trust me again. I want her to be able to love me again. I want to grow old together and be the husband and father I need to be. Only God can make that happen now. It is only He who sustains my minute-to-minute existence now. If for one second I take my eyes off of Him, I fall into utter despair. I have been, am and will be praying for this miracle. While time is not on my side, God is in control. I will accept His will. I will not turn away again. There is truly no hope without Him.
To all who read this, please pray for my wife, my family and for me. If you are harboring any bitterness, anger, etc towards God or others in your heart, find help now. Do not become a poison to the spirit of those around you. You do not know the cost.
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Fri, 2008-05-23 01:03
Praying for miracle Bob
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