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I’m not preaching in these posts. The pleas for prayer are what they are, honest requests to join me in a prayer battle for my wife, our marriage and our family. The other words are lighthouse lights, flashing brightly and rapidly to ensure you have clear warning and not repeat the mistakes I’ve made. Mistakes have consequences.

The fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc that kept building up seeped out into hurtful words over the years. Those words landed squarely on my wonderful and amazing wife and wonderful and amazing children. They were wounded. Mary and our oldest daughter took the brunt. If I still see her in June, there will be in-person work to do there - this time fully - as well. I was physically imposing (not what the world would consider abusive, but absolutely menacing), too. A wife and children should not fear the man who is supposed to be providing, caring for and watching over them. They were torn down with sarcasm instead of being lifted up in prayer before our Maker. I am ashamed.

My wife prayed and waited for God to answer. She protected the kids. I was alone. I did not hit bottom. I let God in, but only a little, like controlling water flow in a spigot. I turned Him on and off, but never just released the water freely. I fell back into bitterness, fear, anger, and resentment easily since I still maintained control. God has used her on so many occasions to bring be back to Him, and I kept failing. I cannot fully imagine what that did to her after her years of supplication. I now know a bit now of what it did and I am even more ashamed. For ten years, only a handful of people had even a small clue as to what was happening. As my hardness of heart and disobediences worked its cancer through the family, decaying all around it, a nice, flat, shiny, cardboard cutout front was put up. The whole Internet now knows. No hiding. No cowering.

I don’t blame her for this decision she’s made. I put the keys in the car and drove her to it. From an earthly perspective, it is even completely understandable when you look at it. I have no right to ask anything of her. This is the reason the situation in God’s hands.

The consequences of past mistakes are great.

There are six of us - me, my wife (she still is in my heart), three children, and my mother in this house along with our dog, Pippin (a golden retriever). Last year, we all moved thousands of miles from everyone we know. We bought a house in Washington. If it is God’s will that we no longer be a family, my two year old will not see daddy every day and potentially call someone else that. Our soon-to-be eight year old will be scared, confused - potentially very angry - hurt, and unsure of himself. He’s a wonderful, smart, caring little boy who should not have to be dealing with this. I will not have the opportunity to be a daily, positive influence in his life. Our soon-to-be 16 year old beautiful daughter has already been impacted by this over the years. A separation will mean not being able to see her and help her grow into the beautiful young woman I know she will be. I have already lost our oldest daughter and this situation is just pushing her further away from where she needs to be. (While I’m asking for prayer, if she still visits in June, reconciliation there is desperately needed as well). And then there’s my mom. What will happen there is a complete unknown. I will not be able to afford much of a place to live, even if the job-sale bonus is what we’ve calculated. Big question marks there. Pippin will have to go. All because of me.

Mary is still my wife in my heart. I love her. I am a servant to her again. I pray for her again. I think even the most casual and unthinking of observer can understand how difficult it would be for her to trust again. I do. No matter what happens, I will provide for the woman I promised to love, honor and cherish. She is the only woman I have ever loved.

Whomever the “you” is that is supposed to see this warning, heed it well. There are real, devastating consequences to your words and actions. Find your way back to God. Do not delay.

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