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My heart is heavy. Even after an uplifting quiet time and a good, first Men's Prayer meeting at MHC (I thank God again for leading me there) this morning and a 1:1 with my boss that communicated both understanding of the situation, assurance of assistance but knowledge that life goes on, my heart sank to new depths.

Mary & I were connected. You cannot know what that means if you haven't experienced it. My heart is now heavy either because it is feeling that loss and needs it or it senses that the walls have closed even further. It could just be an emotional reaction to the situation. Whatever it is, my heart is heavy laden and it will take some time with my Maker today to relieve. I did not expect this journey to be easy. The work that needs to be done in me (and in "us") could not be accomplished if so.

We are being counseled by one of the kids' counselors to begin doing things separately with them. This hurts beyond measure (compounding other hurts that are beyond measure). However, it is also nigh unbearable for me when doing "family" things all together, as it is far too easy for me to slip into a false impression that Mary is still my wife. In her mind and fearful heart I am not. There is no "good" situation/option here, only the best of "bad". The agency is not a Christian one, but the counselor is right. The children must not be confused or given false, human hope.

If there truly is a humanly insurmountable impasse, then this is the right thing to do.

My mind races at times. It frets over not being able to be in her presence to show her how God has changed me and now more opportunities will be removed! How conceited of me that I, the black monster of her nightmares could do anything! The truth is that God doesn't need me assist Him in whatever way He plans on working in His wonderful creation (Mary).

It hasn't been that long (though 10 years is a while) that the Word of the Lord does not come back to me when needed. I may require a refresher on references, but I have 10 years of technological advancements to help me with that. Proverbs 3:5-7a says:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes;"

Rather than let my heart pine for she whom I love so dearly, I will let the Lord fill me up with His joy, peace, happiness and contentment and trust in Him for the outcome, no matter what that is. I will demonstrate His love and kindness at every opportunity given. I will wait on the Lord and for her to return, but my heart need not be troubled. He will provide either way. (I will still ache)

I do love her, but I am a child of God and He will sustain me. He loves me and I love Him again. My compass is re-centered (GPS is re-calibrated?) on Him.