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Managed to actually, finally get to listen to "Big Blue Sky".

Wow.

This is amazingly on target and really caused an unplanned surge of emotion.

Perhaps She'll Wait

They say you cannot walk before you crawl
I wonder why, I wonder why
Because everybody dreams before they fall
A wonder world and then we lose it all

But I wil dream of tomorrow
Where the past will not be in my way
Passion lives another day
And I will dream of tomorrow
Where perhaps she'll wait for me

And every single heart that I have held
In my hands, in my clumsy hands
I fumbled them around until they fell
It's much safer ground just keeping to myself

But I still dream of tomorrow
Where the past will not be in my way
Passion lives another day
And I still dream of tomorrow
Where perhaps she'll wait for me
And perhaps she'll wait for me

I'm not sure if my previous posts have effectively indicated where things really are. Mary & I are in "try" mode. Restoring trust and love is not a given. It may not happen. This journey is truly into the unknown at this point. I have faith, hope and trust in God to make a way. That does not mean that I am not concerned, sad, confused, and - yes - worried - at times that this will not turn out the way I would like it to.

Make no mistake, I love my wife. I understand what that means now and I am absolutely in love with her. She is also the most beautiful and intriguing woman I have ever met. So, on top of being in love with her I am crazy about her as well. I would and continue to do anything in my power and available with our resources for her.

I covet prayer for the Holy Spirit to reawaken the love she once had for me. All I can do now is live in God's will, be a real husband and servant to my wife and work on restoring relationships. I pray almost constantly. Everything is in God's hands at this point (not that it wasn't before, but you know what I mean).

With God back at His proper place in my life, the lack of reciprocal love from my spouse is not devastating. It hurts and does have an impact on my productivity (I really need to do my extracurricular writing for a whole host of reasons and this situation is killing my concentration...not having a trustworthy Mac has been extra hard as well). My stomach is in knots (off-and-on). My brain understands the trust-in-God "thing", but my heart just aches at times.

I pray to God to fill Mary & I with the real knowledge and recognition of His presence and to provide all the joy, peace, happiness and love in Christ she deserves. I ask that He send His Holy Spirit to unite us in love...to knit our hearts back together...to restore our family. If I could set part of my consciousness on infinite loop, I would.

My reading and private times give me the sense that this can only happen if I allow Him to make me into the man/person I need to be for Him, for Mary and our children (it isn't the only thing, though, but many items are not "open source"). I ask God to break, dissolve and disintegrate me every day and to help me rely on Him when I stumble. He must show through every step, every gesture, every action, every word.

Bear in mind that He has already moved a situation that was impossible, dead, defunct, etc. to "try". He has done many things that I cannot share in a blog post. I never forget the marvelous works He has already performed and am inspired to believe that He can fully restore "us".

Tori & I are in the process of completing the membership program at Mars Hill and will be kicking up our involvement there soon. While I may still be in "intensive care" mode, I am compelled to do more than Sunday worship, every-other-week community group meeting and weekly Men's prayer. I must serve. While I/we have needs that are great, the world does not revolve around Mary, I and the kids.

I really have to get back to work, but wanted to share that Psalm 40 (my primary devotional Psalm this week) was just what I needed this morning. I am focused greatly on Psalm 40:1a and asking for His help to enable me to wait patiently for the Lord.

My heart is heavy. Even after an uplifting quiet time and a good, first Men's Prayer meeting at MHC (I thank God again for leading me there) this morning and a 1:1 with my boss that communicated both understanding of the situation, assurance of assistance but knowledge that life goes on, my heart sank to new depths.

Mary & I were connected. You cannot know what that means if you haven't experienced it. My heart is now heavy either because it is feeling that loss and needs it or it senses that the walls have closed even further. It could just be an emotional reaction to the situation. Whatever it is, my heart is heavy laden and it will take some time with my Maker today to relieve. I did not expect this journey to be easy. The work that needs to be done in me (and in "us") could not be accomplished if so.

We are being counseled by one of the kids' counselors to begin doing things separately with them. This hurts beyond measure (compounding other hurts that are beyond measure). However, it is also nigh unbearable for me when doing "family" things all together, as it is far too easy for me to slip into a false impression that Mary is still my wife. In her mind and fearful heart I am not. There is no "good" situation/option here, only the best of "bad". The agency is not a Christian one, but the counselor is right. The children must not be confused or given false, human hope.

If there truly is a humanly insurmountable impasse, then this is the right thing to do.

My mind races at times. It frets over not being able to be in her presence to show her how God has changed me and now more opportunities will be removed! How conceited of me that I, the black monster of her nightmares could do anything! The truth is that God doesn't need me assist Him in whatever way He plans on working in His wonderful creation (Mary).

It hasn't been that long (though 10 years is a while) that the Word of the Lord does not come back to me when needed. I may require a refresher on references, but I have 10 years of technological advancements to help me with that. Proverbs 3:5-7a says:

"Trust in the LORD with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight. Do not be wise in your own eyes;"

Rather than let my heart pine for she whom I love so dearly, I will let the Lord fill me up with His joy, peace, happiness and contentment and trust in Him for the outcome, no matter what that is. I will demonstrate His love and kindness at every opportunity given. I will wait on the Lord and for her to return, but my heart need not be troubled. He will provide either way. (I will still ache)

I do love her, but I am a child of God and He will sustain me. He loves me and I love Him again. My compass is re-centered (GPS is re-calibrated?) on Him.

I just do not have the energy or mental capacity to e-mail or contact everyone I need to about this. I sincerely apologize for that.

I released Mary from the big, black monster (me) today. She asked me to stop the pursuit. I promised to no longer pray that way. I will pray every day that God richly bless her, provide for all her needs and give her the joy, peace, happiness and love in Christ that she so richly deserves. She is an amazing woman with a gentle and compassionate soul.

I am sad. My heart is broken.

While it won't be legally done until the financial situation works out the way it needs to, it really is over. Today. May 27, 2008.

Thank your for your prayers and support.

I ask that if you have the capacity to pray a bit more for us, that you pray that God's Will be done in each of our lives.

God communicates in amazing ways. A friend shared this with the Internet today. God had me stumble upon it (I was not seeking it out, I was actually in the midst of trying to find my missing Blackberry). This describes where I was and where I am now. Please, God, by Your Grace, restore our marriage and family. Let it pour from me.

Why can't I overcome my bitterness and anger?
by John Piper

Most of our bitterness and anger towards others is rooted in an inability to be profoundly amazed at Christ's love for us in our sin. If you are struggling with bitterness then it may be that the Lord is letting the very sin that is flowing from your inability to see Christ be the means by which you come to see him.

In other words, perhaps this season of rage, anger, and a fed-up "I'm out of here and don't want anything to do with you" spirit is where you have had to come in order to see the greatness of your sin as a forgiven and justified saint. And the Lord has done it so that you would be stunned at his grace in a deeper way than you've ever been stunned by the grace of God before. And now, out of that experience can flow grace towards others.

That's the only solution here. I don't doubt that another person is part of the problem. This is probably not just a one-way thing and your fault only. But the solution is not to fix the other person. The solution is to gain a heart that is overflowingly thankful for grace from Christ and that spills over with grace towards others.

What I'm trying to draw attention to is that maybe God has brought you to this point of feeling your guilt so that grace would taste sweeter than it ever has. We have to see our sin, but some of us have grown up in such goody-goody homes that we don't think we've ever done anything serious.

But unforgiveness is a hell-bent sin. The Bible says that if you do not forgive those who sin against you, God will not forgive you (Matthew 6:15). In other words, this is a mortal issue. An ongoing, unforgiving, bitter, and angry spirit will kill a person's heart, making them shipwreck their faith and prove that they never belonged to God. God is showing you how serious this sin is.

This means that now you have the potential of saying, "If he loves me still, and he forgives this, it's like forgiving the apostle Paul!" (It's like forgiving murderers, because the Bible says that if you hate your brother you've killed him [Matthew 5:21-22]). And then maybe the emotional transaction of forgiveness and justification would so overwhelm you that the resources that you do not now have for loving this other person would be given you out of that fresh, new experience of grace.

That's what I would pray. "Forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you" is an unbelievably important word in Ephesians 4:32. You now have the potential of feeling forgiven by God for things that are mortally dangerous, which might open the door for greater grace towards this other person.

Pastor James made sure I didn't suffer from myopia this Sunday. While there are some important things to be dealing with in prayer and seeking the council of God & His Spirit in prayer and through His appointed teachers and instruments, it would be wrong to solely focus on the damage that has been done. I am not the man I was before.

I am:

• a new creation in Christ 2Co 5:17
• a child of God because of the Father's love 1 John 3:4-10
• not ashamed because my hope is in Him Psalm 25:20
• a servant by God's grace and power Eph 3:7

(Psalm 25 has been a great refuge, btw)

A daily, musical reminder via "Carry Your Love" (Caedmon's Call), slightly modified:

There are also prayers for the Church & those around me and the need to get involved in the community of believers.

Tori will be doing youth activities; we'll be going to community group meetings as a family (I pray that we all will go someday); Men's prayer each Thursday morning.

It's a start...a new beginning.

God, help me to walk in Your will. This situation is so painful at times.

I cannot see the outcome. When I look up, there is hope & visions of restoration. When gravity pulls my eyes downward, all hope is gone and my thoughts are troubled with despair, loneliness, pain, heartache, financial and emotional troubles.

I pray this prayer with my eyes focused on You.

I screwed up. I admit it freely, but not lightly. My actions have caused real damage and that may extend even further. I have hurt the ones I should have loved the most. God, please fix this. Please restore our family. Please restore our marriage. Please let this be Your will. I cannot see the outcome. I know I severely damaged our marriage with bitterness and hate spewed out like venom. I know it has been an emotional cancer in my wife. You healed my physical cancer. You can heal hers, too. You can repair the damage.

You have changed me. You have made me whole. You are breaking me and rebuilding me. My trust is in You. Please restore our marriage & family. Only You can do that now. Human words and works will fail. You have the power and are the Great Healer. I boldly ask that you heal our hearts so that they may be able to carry Your love, together, anew.

Turn the cage into a Holy bond. Turn the trap into a Holy union. Turn the fear into love. Turn the doubt into trust (in and through You).

I know what a mighty work I'm asking for. I know this is not a "quick fix". I am asking for the privilege and opportunity to begin the journey together again.

I will not cease in my prayer. I will persevere in this request. Help me to trust in You and to keep my eyes looking up.

After a morning of praise, worship, teaching and fellowship the day became more rooted in more earthly issues, all related to this current situation. Never a good thing.

4AM came early tonight due to a crash-bang-boom of some items perched perilously. I was awake and opted to be a little early for the 4AM appt. Raising my vision upward was difficult. I wrestled a while. At some point, a question came up: "What do I need?" This is what God's Word said tonight:

He'll take care of the rest.

We told Jarrod today. It was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life. Please pray for my son. He turns 8 in 6 days. He cannot possibly understand.

God, we need that miracle. Please restore our hearts. Please restore our family. Please restore our marriage. You can do this.

UPDATE: Mary & I took Tori and Ensign Crusher to see Iron Man. Mary & I continued a very emotional conversation we had prior to telling Jarrod. While I pray that God watch over my words, I know that I let my sadness and desire to be with her show through too much during that pre-conversation. We told Jarrod that his mother and father loves him and that God loves him and that we are not angry with each other.

During the movie, Mary told me she was sorry and I forgave her because I do forgive her. I am the one who did not meet his duty under God and the covenant between Mary, I and Jesus. It is my responsibility. I can easily forgive because God has forgive me for the past ten years and more. It does not wipe away the hurt I've caused in others. It does not justify any of my prior actions. But God forgives.

I made it through to just when Tony crashes in the initial, clunky armor suit. I felt God calling me home to Jarrod to be with him. I can't believe we actually had that conversation with him and then went to the movies. I am idiot. I truly am. I ran home (ok, ran & walked) and took Jarrod for a walk. We found a place nearby that is now his refuge. We talked and prayed.

I need to make every moment count now. I pray for a miracle, but if one does not happen I will not be there every day for him/them. Every minute must count.

They just got back and are picking me up to go to dinner. Jarrod & Ian are in bed.

Pray for my children.

I have been engaged for five days in a variation of the same battle my wife (she still is in my heart) has been in for ten years. How she did that - even with Christ's help - is a mystery to me. Even through all that has happened this week, He reveals to me what an amazing woman I have been missing all these years. I have been a fool, but I am no longer a fool. God has recused me and set forth a fire in my heart. No longer do I rely on my strength or wisdom.

Each day since the shattering news, God has woken me up at 4AM and not let it be so that a mere repositioning of the head or body on a bed or pillow can cause a return to sleep. I get it, Lord. I have a job, three kids at home (still) and many responsibilities. I am tired at the end of the day and rarely stop moving during waking hours. When else am I supposed to meet You alone and with the ability to focus? When else can I bear my soul in solitude? When else can You build me up? When else can I re-forge my relationship with my Savior? When else? There are cries for help throughout the day. There are deliberate prayers throughout the day. But that is not the same as this 4AM appointment.

You weren't just good, kind and merciful enough to provide the grace to rescue me (and at such a cost...both earthly and Divine...that I cannot fathom). You even set up the daily appointment on my calendar for me. Given the power I've seen first hand at Your command this week, I'm a bit surprised that there wasn't an iCal entry for the recurring appointment.

Break me every moment, Lord. Make me an instrument of Your love and kindness. You put me back on the right path. Help me to follow you.

This will be brief but I need to thank God for bringing Adam, Dustin (two very young whippersnappers) and Joe into my life. My amazing and close friend back east who I suspect has been utterly stunned by this situation recommended Mars Hill Church and through a series of steps that only God could have laid out, He brought these folks into my life. I barely know these men and have only met two in person. Yet, they have showed me unconditional love, have not judged, have encouraged me and they pray for my wife, for my family, for me and our marriage. They are a testament to the ministry of Mars Hill Church and what it means to be a servant of Jesus Christ.

May God richly bless Adam, Dustin & Joe and their families. May He continue His Good Work through Mars Hill. Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for showing me His love.

I also need to give a shout out to Phil, Steve and TR. They are so far away from me and I have been such a horrible friend in many ways. You have also encouraged and not judged. May God also bless you and your families.

I can't believe I traded what I have once again with God in my heart for bitterness and anger. Never again. Never.

I felt led to pray and asked others to pray a bold request for God to open a door *today*. I have no idea if that happened, but we went to dinner and a movie as a "family" (sans Ian - it was the new Indiana Jones movie). It was the first time I have not held her hands in a movie in over twenty years. The wedding scene at the end (apologies if that was a spoiler) was more than difficult for me.

I know that I effectively died four years ago. Four years head start. I am not despised, but I am not loved. I am allowed to be a servant and show every kindness that I freely and eagerly offer. God's mercy is not restricted by time. He can overcome ten years of bitterness and neglect in the blink of an eye. I know it will be a longer road than that.

I love her. I need her. She is beautiful in the eyes of God and is a vision beyond compare to me. My heart and soul ache for her.

I persevere in prayer and hope for this miracle. God can make a way when there seems to be no way. He works in ways I cannot see or fathom. He has restored me. He will restore Mary. He will restore our marriage. He will restore our family. I set my eyes upon the Cross and put all my hopes in Him.

Pray for her. Pray for our children. Pray for me. Pray for us.

I'm not preaching in these posts. The pleas for prayer are what they are, honest requests to join me in a prayer battle for my wife, our marriage and our family. The other words are lighthouse lights, flashing brightly and rapidly to ensure you have clear warning and not repeat the mistakes I've made. Mistakes have consequences.

The fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, etc that kept building up seeped out into hurtful words over the years. Those words landed squarely on my wonderful and amazing wife and wonderful and amazing children. They were wounded. Mary and our oldest daughter took the brunt. If I still see her in June, there will be in-person work to do there - this time fully - as well. I was physically imposing (not what the world would consider abusive, but absolutely menacing), too. A wife and children should not fear the man who is supposed to be providing, caring for and watching over them. They were torn down with sarcasm instead of being lifted up in prayer before our Maker. I am ashamed.

My wife prayed and waited for God to answer. She protected the kids. I was alone. I did not hit bottom. I let God in, but only a little, like controlling water flow in a spigot. I turned Him on and off, but never just released the water freely. I fell back into bitterness, fear, anger, and resentment easily since I still maintained control. God has used her on so many occasions to bring be back to Him, and I kept failing. I cannot fully imagine what that did to her after her years of supplication. I now know a bit now of what it did and I am even more ashamed. For ten years, only a handful of people had even a small clue as to what was happening. As my hardness of heart and disobediences worked its cancer through the family, decaying all around it, a nice, flat, shiny, cardboard cutout front was put up. The whole Internet now knows. No hiding. No cowering.

I don't blame her for this decision she's made. I put the keys in the car and drove her to it. From an earthly perspective, it is even completely understandable when you look at it. I have no right to ask anything of her. This is the reason the situation in God's hands.

The consequences of past mistakes are great.

There are six of us - me, my wife (she still is in my heart), three children, and my mother in this house along with our dog, Pippin (a golden retriever). Last year, we all moved thousands of miles from everyone we know. We bought a house in Washington. If it is God's will that we no longer be a family, my two year old will not see daddy every day and potentially call someone else that. Our soon-to-be eight year old will be scared, confused - potentially very angry - hurt, and unsure of himself. He's a wonderful, smart, caring little boy who should not have to be dealing with this. I will not have the opportunity to be a daily, positive influence in his life. Our soon-to-be 16 year old beautiful daughter has already been impacted by this over the years. A separation will mean not being able to see her and help her grow into the beautiful young woman I know she will be. I have already lost our oldest daughter and this situation is just pushing her further away from where she needs to be. (While I'm asking for prayer, if she still visits in June, reconciliation there is desperately needed as well). And then there's my mom. What will happen there is a complete unknown. I will not be able to afford much of a place to live, even if the job-sale bonus is what we've calculated. Big question marks there. Pippin will have to go. All because of me.

Mary is still my wife in my heart. I love her. I am a servant to her again. I pray for her again. I think even the most casual and unthinking of observer can understand how difficult it would be for her to trust again. I do. No matter what happens, I will provide for the woman I promised to love, honor and cherish. She is the only woman I have ever loved.

Whomever the "you" is that is supposed to see this warning, heed it well. There are real, devastating consequences to your words and actions. Find your way back to God. Do not delay.

Sleep is hard sometimes. I deserve it to be so. The full prayer is sometimes, then, not easy to get out. God knows my heart. God knows what needs to be done.

Again, don't expect daily posts. They come as I am led to share them. The man you've seen is not the man you thought you knew. Don't make the same mistakes I have.

Ten years ago I received the news that I had Stage 2B Hodgkin's Disease. I was devastated. We had just moved to Virginia for me to pursue a dream of working at a Christian Internet startup. We were struggling financially and dealing with the stresses of moving away from everything for the first time. Rather than ask God to help me through it, I blamed Him for it. I had already begun the process of shutting Him out the day we learned of the death of Harvey Copperwheat (just a few months earlier). Harvey was our pastor and a dear, dear friend. His whole being exemplified what it means to be a Christian. You were lifted up just being in his presence since God's light shone through him like the brightest star. God took him home suddenly and unexpectedly. I absorbed the pain of it like a sponge. I was angry at God for taking him and absorbed that anger as well.

As the chemotherapy cocktail of poisons flowed through my veins, so did the poison of resentment and anger toward God. It absorbed into the sponge. While the chemicals were finally gone in a few years post-treatment, the bitterness remained. It was during "treatment" that I decided that "I" could beat the cancer. That decision, combined with those poisons, effectively killed the man I was before. I was in the valley, but dug a hole, jumped in and covered it up rather than turn to God to find my way out.

Over the course of the next 9 years, I managed to push almost everyone away, trying to rely only on myself since I was disappointed by people so many times. I lashed out verbally and physically at the loves of my life: my wife and children. I continued to rely on self and became more bitter as setbacks continued to happen and life didn't go the way I wanted.

My wife (and others, but this is about "us") persevered in prayer and suffering for me. She pleaded with God to restore the man she knew. On two separate occasions (will be different posts) I moved dirt in the hole aside to let some light in, but never fully gave myself back to God. I have been effectively building a wall around my wife's heart and destroying her spirit for ten years.

I am ashamed of the person I was. I regret my foolishness of relying on my own strength. I am an utter failure as a human being, friend, husband, father and Christian. "I am sorry" are three words which have no meaning for I have broken the spirit of at least two of the people I care about most. I cannot repair the damage I have done. Unless God works a miracle, our family will be fully broken apart. I will be alone and I will have lost the opportunity to do what I should have been doing for the past ten years: honor and cherish - for the rest of our lives - the prize jewel that God gave to me 18 years ago.

I want her to trust me again. I want her to be able to love me again. I want to grow old together and be the husband and father I need to be. Only God can make that happen now. It is only He who sustains my minute-to-minute existence now. If for one second I take my eyes off of Him, I fall into utter despair. I have been, am and will be praying for this miracle. While time is not on my side, God is in control. I will accept His will. I will not turn away again. There is truly no hope without Him.

To all who read this, please pray for my wife, my family and for me. If you are harboring any bitterness, anger, etc towards God or others in your heart, find help now. Do not become a poison to the spirit of those around you. You do not know the cost.