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Today was our last official session with our counselor, Bent Meyer (Grace Groups NW). While we'll be checking in again in about a month, we are heading out into our new, uncharted waters together.

God has been doing some amazing things in both of us. More on that in another post, tho. I just wanted to drop a quick note to let folks know the good news and progress update.

I have been remiss in blogging but not without excuse. My MacBook Pro took a power dive and was in repair, Liz visited and we've had quite a bit going on all around.

Life continues to be challenging, but the counselor Mary & I have been seeing has been extremely helpful and much progress has been made on that front. Daughter #2 could really use some prayer (just pray that He would become the center of her life...can't get into more details).

God has truly been working in my life as evidenced even today in something that occurred on the way to Thursday Men's Morning Prayer @ Mars Hill - Wedgwood. Down towards Lake City, it was very apparent that a nasty accident occurred sometime earlier that morning and that the responders needed to use some serious gadgets to rip the roof off of the Volkswagen that has been pretty mangled. There were still tons of response vehicles on the scene and one could easily see what was left of the VW.

My heart sank and my stomach severely churned. I immediately thought of whomever was in there and their friends and family members. The state of the car had to mean some pretty serious injuries, possibly fatalities. Bob 2.0 - without pause, and now communicated without boasting - immediately asked God to be with those who were hurt and their friends and family members. This is solely as a result of His Spirit working and directing my thoughts and actions.

I can tell you what Bob 1.0 would have thought: he would have assessed and analyzed the damage, made some calculations as to the likelihood of the scenario and wondered how long the cleanup had been going on. He would have acknowledged that folks were injured and been thankful that the responders were there. He probably would have also been glad that it was on the other side of the road and that it was not going to impact how he was going to get where he was going. The whole thing would have been objectified and colored through the lens of self.

Managed to actually, finally get to listen to "Big Blue Sky".

Wow.

This is amazingly on target and really caused an unplanned surge of emotion.

Perhaps She'll Wait

They say you cannot walk before you crawl
I wonder why, I wonder why
Because everybody dreams before they fall
A wonder world and then we lose it all

But I wil dream of tomorrow
Where the past will not be in my way
Passion lives another day
And I will dream of tomorrow
Where perhaps she'll wait for me

And every single heart that I have held
In my hands, in my clumsy hands
I fumbled them around until they fell
It's much safer ground just keeping to myself

But I still dream of tomorrow
Where the past will not be in my way
Passion lives another day
And I still dream of tomorrow
Where perhaps she'll wait for me
And perhaps she'll wait for me

(post title is from the opening of a Caedmon's Call song - "Trouble")

Faith and patience are difficult items. It's easy to write about and advise about, but living it with the type of situation I/we are in is a completely different thing. A friend wrote about "shifting sand" (another Cademon's Call reference) today and it's amazing how one's heart can go all over the place, even when there is evidence of God having done great things and real progress being made.

I've been a fan of "The Upper Room" since Harvey introduced it to me and while I've ignored far more than I have started to consider over the past 10 years, the daily e-mails (along with the devotional materials I use daily) are wonderful. I was having another "shifting sand" morning (despite a good 4AM time) and finally got around to reading today's e-mail update.

My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. -James 1:2-5 (NRSV)

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -2 Peter 3:9 (NIV)

A great deal of damage was done over a great deal of time. It's supposed to hurt. It's going to take time. The outcome is (as it always has been) in God's very capable hands and He will be on the other side of it either way.

I had planned on actually, you know, not focusing on current events tonight. My feet hurt from an ill-conceived walk. My tiny bits of personal finger therapy throughout the day take their emotional toll. And, hey, let's face it...I'm tired. God's answer to that was a resounding "rely on Me" tonight.

Jarrod is sick with a throat/stomach thing (and I believe I feel the stomach part coming on...joy) so we took it easy with "our time" tonight and just focused on the things we've been looking at the past couple of days (no details...it's a father-child thing).

Tori helped get Ian ready for bed (*again*...her help is appreciated given our continued physical afflictions) and she, Jarrod & I hung out in Jarrod & Ian's room until bedtime.

Tori was/is tired. This situation is not easy for her. Going back to the first paragraph, remember that I was going to take it easy on her as well tonight but God would have none of it and gave us the most amazing "our time" together (at least from my perspective). I am grateful beyond conveyance. Again, no details, but real and vitally necessary things were discussed. God really spoke to me through it as well. He truly makes all things happen for a reason. Know that His Will truly is working in ways I could not imagine through this situation. He gave me signs and wonders tonight. I thank Him and praise His Holy Name as I lift my children and Mary up to Him in prayer.

If any readers (there are a few at least) have noticed a musical inclination towards Caedmon's Call you are not wrong. Mary got me hooked on them and - even in my dark, dark times - I never stopped accumulating their wonderful, inspired works. Their music is a great comfort to me these days, especially since they have a sound basis in reformed theology and base a great number of songs on scripture. (Yeah, the heady words are coming back, too. Just wait, I've been hankering for a chance to use the word eschatological in the near future:-)

I was with Ian tonight doing an errand and getting - of course - Jamba Juice. We were playing random music from my iPhone (which is almost exclusively Caedmon's Call & Bebo Norman at the moment, but there are others).

"Oh Lord Your Love" kicked in:

Oh Lord, I give you all I have,
but it seems so little
when You have given me so much.
I come to you with empty hands
and a heart that's fragile.
You come to me with a wealth of love

Oh Lord, Your love
is new with every morning.
Your faithfulness:
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that I am weary.
Your yoke is easy.
Your burden is light.

And, now, I sing You songs of praise,
but Your Greatness is beyond me.
I know I can not comprehend
how You, Ancient of Days
stoop Yourself to call me
to be Your son,
to be Your friend

Oh Lord, Your love
is new with every morning.
Your faithfulness:
it gets me through the night.
You bid me come,
You know that I am weary.
Your yoke is easy.
Your burden is ligh.t

Despite the fact-checked assurance of truth in Matthew 11:30, my heart & voice were singing (while crying):

Your yoke is easy. (kinda)
Your burden is light. (kinda)

My heart still cannot conceive living without her, and if that truly is the outcome, the fact is God will have some even harder lessons to teach me in order to get me to a place where I can remove the "kinda".

Cognitively, I know the God-breathed words are true. Feelings, however, are another matter altogether. As I am increasingly becoming a non-fan of such character-building exercises (they hurt! :-), I'm praying about it.

Tried to do some Objective-C coding in Xcode. Can't get my mind of the music I've got crankin' in iTunes.

Thy Mercy by Caedmon's Call

Thy mercy my God is the theme of my song,
The joy of my heart, and the boast of my tongue.
Thy free grace alone, from the first to the last,
Hath won my affection and bound my soul fast.

Without Thy sweet mercy, I could not live here.
Sin would reduce me to utter despair,
But through Thy free goodness, my spirit's revived
And He that first made me still keeps me alive.

Thy mercy is more than a match for my heart,
Which wonders to feel its own hardness depart.
Dissolved by Thy goodness, I fall to the ground
And weep for the praise of the mercy I've found.

(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)
Hallelujah
(Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah)

Great Father of mercies, Thy goodness I own
In the covenant love of Thy crucified Son.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.
All praise to the Spirit, Whose whisper divine
Seals mercy and pardon and righteousness mine.

Well, Hallelujah
Hallelujah (Hallelujah)
Well, Hallelujah

I wish I had found this Desiring God blog a while ago. Great entry:

Despite eight years of new life in Christ, my poor, guilty soul still becomes overwhelmingly anxious at times. A dark cloud comes and just sits over my head, not letting any hope from God's promises or past faithfulness get through and restore my joy.

And it's my fault. It's unbelief and sin.

God never intended for me to find my abiding joy in the circumstances of this life—"in this world you will have trouble"—but to hope in him and his salvation (Habakkuk 3:17-19; 1 Peter 1:13).

Nonetheless, I still let outward things determine my inward state, with the result that I have fickle joy, not Paul-like joy—the kind that would lead me to say,

I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. (Phillipians 4:12)

So when this unhappy lack of sturdy joy leads me to pray (which it always does, and I thank God!), I don't want to pray primarily for my circumstances to change. I want to pray first for my unbelieving heart to change.

And then I take more comfort in the Father than ever before:

Return, O faithless sons; I will heal your faithlessness. (Jeremiah 3:22)

While I have been and will be continuing my prayers to God for the restoration of our family and that His Will be done (this does not go against my promise or actions yesterday), the real battle appears to have begun today. I am assaulted when I am humanly defenseless. The enemy knows my weaknesses well, he's had a great deal of practice and success. The one area God spared me from assault for over a week is now fair game. Sleep is now a battleground.

Psalm 25 continues to be my refuge. Verses 15-21 helped me greatly today:

My eyes are ever on the Lord, for only He will release my feet from the snare. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have multiplied; free me from my anguish. Look upon my affliction and my distress and take away all my sins. See how my enemies have increased and how fiercely they hate me! Guard my life and rescue me; let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in You. May integrity and uprightness protect me, because my hope is in You.

I have been waiting for this particular attack. Recently, it was an especially active and wonderful area of our relationship. Now it is a battleground. I did not expect the first salvo to come as I tried to rest. The enemy lost. God is good. Lord, keep me strong in You. I like the NASB translation of "my hope is in You" - "for I wait for You". I am waiting on the Lord to do great things with this mess I've made.

Please pray for the safety & protection of our children, for Mary and for myself.

May God's Will be done in each of our lives. He has a plan. He will make a way.