mary

You Say I Got Trouble

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(post title is from the opening of a Caedmon's Call song - "Trouble")

Faith and patience are difficult items. It's easy to write about and advise about, but living it with the type of situation I/we are in is a completely different thing. A friend wrote about "shifting sand" (another Cademon's Call reference) today and it's amazing how one's heart can go all over the place, even when there is evidence of God having done great things and real progress being made.

I've been a fan of "The Upper Room" since Harvey introduced it to me and while I've ignored far more than I have started to consider over the past 10 years, the daily e-mails (along with the devotional materials I use daily) are wonderful. I was having another "shifting sand" morning (despite a good 4AM time) and finally got around to reading today's e-mail update.

My brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of any kind, consider it nothing but joy, because you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance; and let endurance have its full effect, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you is lacking in wisdom, ask God, who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly, and it will be given you. -James 1:2-5 (NRSV)

The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. -2 Peter 3:9 (NIV)

A great deal of damage was done over a great deal of time. It's supposed to hurt. It's going to take time. The outcome is (as it always has been) in God's very capable hands and He will be on the other side of it either way.

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Into The Unknown

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I'm not sure if my previous posts have effectively indicated where things really are. Mary & I are in "try" mode. Restoring trust and love is not a given. It may not happen. This journey is truly into the unknown at this point. I have faith, hope and trust in God to make a way. That does not mean that I am not concerned, sad, confused, and - yes - worried - at times that this will not turn out the way I would like it to.

Make no mistake, I love my wife. I understand what that means now and I am absolutely in love with her. She is also the most beautiful and intriguing woman I have ever met. So, on top of being in love with her I am crazy about her as well. I would and continue to do anything in my power and available with our resources for her.

I covet prayer for the Holy Spirit to reawaken the love she once had for me. All I can do now is live in God's will, be a real husband and servant to my wife and work on restoring relationships. I pray almost constantly. Everything is in God's hands at this point (not that it wasn't before, but you know what I mean).

With God back at His proper place in my life, the lack of reciprocal love from my spouse is not devastating. It hurts and does have an impact on my productivity (I really need to do my extracurricular writing for a whole host of reasons and this situation is killing my concentration...not having a trustworthy Mac has been extra hard as well). My stomach is in knots (off-and-on). My brain understands the trust-in-God "thing", but my heart just aches at times.

I pray to God to fill Mary & I with the real knowledge and recognition of His presence and to provide all the joy, peace, happiness and love in Christ she deserves. I ask that He send His Holy Spirit to unite us in love...to knit our hearts back together...to restore our family. If I could set part of my consciousness on infinite loop, I would.

My reading and private times give me the sense that this can only happen if I allow Him to make me into the man/person I need to be for Him, for Mary and our children (it isn't the only thing, though, but many items are not "open source"). I ask God to break, dissolve and disintegrate me every day and to help me rely on Him when I stumble. He must show through every step, every gesture, every action, every word.

Bear in mind that He has already moved a situation that was impossible, dead, defunct, etc. to "try". He has done many things that I cannot share in a blog post. I never forget the marvelous works He has already performed and am inspired to believe that He can fully restore "us".

Tori & I are in the process of completing the membership program at Mars Hill and will be kicking up our involvement there soon. While I may still be in "intensive care" mode, I am compelled to do more than Sunday worship, every-other-week community group meeting and weekly Men's prayer. I must serve. While I/we have needs that are great, the world does not revolve around Mary, I and the kids.

I really have to get back to work, but wanted to share that Psalm 40 (my primary devotional Psalm this week) was just what I needed this morning. I am focused greatly on Psalm 40:1a and asking for His help to enable me to wait patiently for the Lord.